Unspoken Words, Unsent Letters

The Psychologist speaks

Last night, after attending to the wake of the father of a mentor, I had a simple conversation with a beginning psychologist. And what better topic to talk about other than the weather, or politics, or career, or the food in front of us, was, of course, the never ending topic on love. I was a bit hesitant to begin that chapter for I knew I have only little to share. God knows persons like me only get to that part in full swing beyond other people’s time. But at least, I had something to say. At least, after all I’ve been through these past days, I had a reason to feel human.

Speaking to her made me at ease. I felt I was speaking to the right person, to someone who knows the technicalities of listening, understanding, and giving out an advice. It wasn’t difficult then to open up pent up emotions and thoughts, whether fresh or old. She only had to listen and I wasn’t aware that I was basically saying things or questions I’ve never asked anyone before.

After shedding a parcel of myself that whole time we sat and talked on that green comfy couch, she only has to say a few words: Just be in the moment and let go.

I wish I knew what that truly meant.

PS. Saw Ms. COPRE that night, smiled, and gave up the idea.

Today would have been my happiest day except for this.

I think it would only be fair for me to say this, and so here it goes.

The times had been pretty rough these days. Emotionally and psychologically, that is. This struggle I have with my feelings turned out to have taken a greater toll on me than I’ve ever expected. At first, I was sincerely happy but after I’ve spent some time putting the pieces together, I got the real score, that which I’ve denied several times until it hit me eventually. After all, I’m just human and I can never dodge the bullet of truth. I get the fact that you’re just too nice to say not-so-nice words like stop or the like. I get the fact that you’re unready or you’re just ready for someone else. I get the fact that I’m just complicating things around when it’s supposed to be simple on your part. I get the fact that you’re with somebody else and no matter how much you deny it, it shows and I’m not blind not to see it. I get the fact that I’m alone at this and it will stay the same unless you say otherwise.

I know I have to put a stop at all this because the longer it goes, the more painful it gets. And guess what, for the past few days, the pain is miraculously subsiding. Though slowly, what’s important is that it does. I know I’m not in the position to say this but this is not entirely for you; this is for me. This is how I would want to keep things civil and true between us because I know I can never say this upfront. I know that I have to distance myself from now on to preempt further unreasonable expectations and concomitant pain. I despise myself for doing such and for being such a coward, but the situation demands that I back off. I’ve given myself a lot of chances, only to frustrate myself in the end. I also know I shouldn’t preoccupy myself with what-if bullshit instances, because as I said before, there will be no what-ifs if you’re meant to be. I know it would be better if I take your side in this but you’ll just probably be your nicer self again. But that’s who you are and I’m perfectly fine with it. To be honest, it’s the very reason why I liked you in the first place. But now, it’s also the same reason why I should stop doing so.

Finally, with all that being said, let me assume for the last time: This is not gonna work out and I just terribly feel it.

But I will always be here for you, no matter what. And for the record, I never did once regret taking that risk with you despite the cost that I suffer now.

I’m happy. But I guess, I can never be truly and extremely happy.

On the other side, I hope you sincerely are.

I would like to believe that you are still the same girl I admired some five years ago, liked some four years back, adored in the past three years, and loved for eternity

So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from that damaged harbor. And come here.